The phone rang on March 30 and our lawyer told us that there was a Birth Mom who wanted to meet us. So began the longest month of our lives.

We met her and loved her immediately. Our prayer was that we could be an encouragement to her, regardless of whether or not she chose us as adoptive parents. God answered it so beautifully when we just got to sit and cry with her and tell her how much we admired her bravery and courage to choose life for her baby.

We left the meeting and prayerfully waited. Some days we waited more patiently than others.

On April 14, we got another call. The Birth Mom had told her boyfriend, the Birth Father, about us and they had picked us to be their son’s adoptive family. That week we got to meet them both. We all agreed, this was a relationship that only God could have arranged. There is a peace there when we are all together that can’t be explained, except for God’s grace.  We traded numbers and made plans to get together soon. Over the next few weeks we grabbed meals together, introduced them to our girls, and went to doctor appointments to see our son growing in his precious Birth Momma’s belly.

On May 5 we got the call. Our sweet baby boy was on his way. We went straight to the hospital and spent the time BM (Birth Mom) was in labor hanging out with her and BD (Birth Dad). We got to meet her family, and his the next day. They are all incredible. We will continue to be quite private about them all but we adore them all and are so thankful for the way they each welcomed us into their new extended family.

We were in the room when we heard his first cry. We wept with joy and about a million other emotions that flooded our hearts.

Introducing, our son, Micah Joshland Fieleke.

In the days and months to come we will play catch up and share so many details about his precious life and birth and story. But for today, we can proudly announce that God has answered our prayers and grown our family with the most precious little boy in the world. And today, the court made legal what happened in our hearts the day he was born. He is officially Micah Joshland Fieleke, our son forever.

I have some confessions about pictures I pulled from my Facebook feed…

In this picture, what you see is my sweet Ru & I, snuggled up happy as can be. What you don’t see is that my best friend was in town visiting me taking care of me because I really hate it when Josh travels for work for a week and I have to hold down the fort with a 2 & 4 year old.

In this picture, what you see are the cutest little girls ever with their beaming proud Momma. What you can’t see is that this was the day after our social worker told us it will probably be a long wait to adopt a baby, longer than we hoped, and I was still processing and grieving that news.

In this picture, you obviously see my stud of a husband making me a really happy lady. But you don’t see the little fight we got in on our date that day, or the hard decisions we were trying to make about work and family.

I’m not a liar, but Facebook is.

I wasn’t trying to be something I wasn’t when I posted these pictures to Facebook. But because you and I put up our very best moments on social media to show our friends, family, and acquaintances, it paints a picture about our lives that just isn’t true.

I recently told a friend, “I want to hear all about your new job and move! I’ve seen pictures on Facebook and you just look so happy!” She replied, “Well its been really hard and my kids are miserable in our new situation.”

Assuming I knew anything true about her life, based on Facebook, was so silly of me. But I have a hunch that if you are anything like me, you do it too, and we need to quit.

Life is not 1 dimensional. There are always things happening simultaneously in our lives and none of the pictures we post on social media can adequately portray that.

I think we have to be careful about assumptions we make when we look at pictures and status updates.

Instead of seeing a picture and thinking, “Woah, she looks great. Why can’t I be as skinny as she is? And she has such cute clothes! I wish I made more money to take fun vacations like their family does. Her husband seems so great, I bet they are so happy. She is such a good Mom, too!” We should learn to appreciate our friend’s pictures and statuses at face value, “Oh thats cute, I hope they are having a great day.”

When I am with someone in person that just happens to be my Facebook friend, I have been trying to be intentional about asking them questions that embrace the real messiness of our lives. “It’s so good to see you! How is your family doing with the new move? I’m sure there are some really good parts and some really hard parts about it!” Or, “I saw that your sweet little one had a birthday party recently! That’s really fun! How are you adjusting to all the new things that come with having a 2 year old?”

So do we kick out social media all together? Heck no! I love Instagram and mindlessly surfing Facebook when I get a free 5 minutes, err, I mean, 20 minutes before I even know the time has passed. Oh my kids need lunch? Oops!

So, next time I post a picture on social media, feel free to assume that one of the three females in my house just had an epic melt down and my patient husband is dealing with all our drama, while there is laundry overflowing, dirty dishes, work piling up, and a few really messy situations unfolding. That my friends, is our reality! And I will assume that it might just be your’s too!

March means Spring to me. Probably because I can’t stand winter another minute by March 1.

Every winter I dream of moving to Florida. I don’t even like Florida that much but in the middle of winter, I could be convinced to moving just about anywhere warm.

March 1, I decorate for Spring. (Ok it was actually February 28 but you don’t have to know that.) I think I do this every year. And every year, Josh smiles warmly, knowingly and says He likes my new decorations.

March is full of little things, like new candles that smell like Spring to me. Candles that fill my house with the smell of all things being made new. (And this candle is as close to Essential Oils as I’m going to get… my ‘oily’ friends love me in spite of this.) But seriously, if you want to get excited about Spring, head to Target and buy this candle ASAP. I can’t even.

Today, March means that even though we had a rough night of tummy troubles, there are smiles for miles today.

I don’t think any of my excitement really has anything to do with it being March. Really, it is just the God given longing I have for new life, bright colors, ultimately… Eden. My longing is for Eden. In Eden it must have been spring. Please don’t try to convince me otherwise, you’ll send this messy mama straight to counseling.

March means Easter is coming, soon, with the promise of us being made new. So in anticipation, I made some Easter Coloring Pages for my girls and I to work on. I thought I would share them with anyone who needs a little SPRING-IS-COMING-EXCITEMENT sent their way: (Just click the link to get access to the PDF files) They are free people, so keep this in mind when printing, you get what you pay for : )

EASTER COLORING PAGES

Hope you enjoy!

Love, Mama Maddi who can’t freaking wait for Easter this year.

About 3 and a half months ago, we shared with you that we are trying to adopt a baby. And just like that, we opened up the ‘private’ of our life with everyone. It was wonderfully freeing but also scary. Y’all came alongside us, though, and celebrated with us and gave to our adoption fund. We couldn’t be more happy that you are in-the-know about what our family is waiting for.

3 and a half months ago, felt like the beginning of the wait for a baby to be matched with (though we had already been waiting for about 5 months). I was waiting patiently and well. Or so I thought. But, I started to notice that my heart wanted to skip turning to the Lord each day. And anxious thoughts that I unfriended long ago, started to come around and take up space in my head. What in the world was going on internally? I thought I was waiting on the Lord so well.

One day, as I sat with him, He spoke to my heart, “You want to wait, but you don’t want to grow. I have plans for your good, and I am relentless in my pursuit of all of you. Until you open up your closed fists to HOWEVER I want to grow you, you will be here; stuck.”

He was right. And I was mad. Here I am walking out in faith, willing to do something hard, and wait, and He says that isn’t enough?!?! I told Him I was mad and camped out there for a few weeks. That wasn’t working out so well. Sure enough, slowly He was softening my heart through His Word and reminding me that His plans for me are good and His desire for me to grow is beautiful.

“He will sit like a refiner of silver, burning away the dross. He will purify the Levites, refining them like Gold and Silver, so that they may once again offer acceptable sacrifices to the Lord.” Malachi 3:3

   Have you ever been through a time of discipline by the Lord? As Lydia would say, “Whoa Buddy!” He has been reminding me that he always adds to my life by first subtracting all the impurities I have been defiantly stirring into my life. He is such a good Daddy. What loving earthly Dad would let his children make bad choice after bad choice without stepping in and correcting them? “Its because I love you and you are my daughter” He reminds me often.

In our American worldview, we don’t make much room for God to be anything but this loving spirit sitting in heaven who just wants us to be happy. The trouble is that the people I know who seek happiness the most, are the most chronically unsettled and unhappy. They are tossed about by waves of life and changing emotions, depending day to day on their circumstances to give them joy. We don’t have to live like that.

The truth is, Jesus sits on the refiner’s stool of my life and as the metal heats up, and I purpose myself to cooperate with His plan, He lovingly ladles off the impurities that come up to the surface. As He sifts them out, His joy and peace settles deeper and deeper in my soul. For me, the sweetest part is what Jim Cymbala notes in his book, Fresh Faith, “Do you know how the ancient refiner knew when He was finished, and the heat could finally be turned down? It was when he looked into the cauldron and saw his own reflection in the shining silver.”

Bless my friends and family as I walk through this season of refining. I wish I could hand out hard hats some days for them to wear as they walk through life with me and all of this falling debris. Life is messy and the people we love most get the worst of it, don’t they?

In the meantime, while Josh, the girls, and I wait for a baby to be matched with, we are growing. Only our Father knows how long our wait will be. Some days of the wait are more messy than others…days like the Parenthood finale when I maybe screamed at the TV because I wanted to be Julia and get a surprise baby. Please tell me you know what I am talking about!

Well, I have shared quite enough of my mess for the day. But here are some pictures of our life-in-the-wait lately.

Josh & I went to Denver to plan our Summer Mission Trip with Cru. It was great to spend time such sweet time together and also get lots of work done while the girls played with Grandparents!

The girls and I have lots of fun together. There is usually chocolate involved.

I’ve been getting away to work alone a little more lately. Wednesday are Josh & the girls afternoon together. So naturally, they went out and got this…Her name is Alexis and I really like her. Once the shock wore off, I was glad they got her!

The girls and I just got back from a surprise trip to Springfield where we had a tea party with JuJu and Great Grandma. They said, “BEST TEA PARTY EVER!”

Thanks for stopping by & letting me share a bit about life lately!

I don’t know if you have noticed but I haven’t updated our blog in a few months. You probably didn’t notice because you have your own lives to worry about!

Anyways, there is a reason for the hush on my end. We have news and its all I have been thinking about. However, we weren’t quite ready to share until, NOW…..

We are adopting a baby! 

Who? When? Where? Why?

There are a lot of questions that you might have that we don’t have answers to. To be honest, we have lots of questions too, and not very many answers. What we do know is that the Lord has clearly led us to adoption and been faithful to direct each step of the way. We are pursuing private domestic infant adoption. We became active in September and a precious, brave birth mom could choose us today or in 6 months or any other time. What we trust is that God is orchestrating a perfect time for our family’s journey to intersect with a brave birth mom’s journey and we will have a tiny baby in our arms to love for a lifetime.

Here is what we have learned so far… Adoption is hard, messy, beautiful and crazy expensive.

But, the picture of adoption that we see in the Gospel is clear to us. We were adopted into God’s family not because of what we had to offer, but simply because He loves us. He knew making us his children would be costly. In fact, it cost Him his life. But he said we were worth it. And we are positive that adopting a precious baby into our family is worth the unknowns and the long journey ahead.

Just as we were becoming overwhelmed by the task at hand, God reminded us we are not alone. My best friends decided to come alongside us in fundraising. They launched this website:

thefielekesadopt.com

Who gets friends like this????? I don’t deserve God’s kindness to me, that is for sure. But I am darn thankful for it!

Would you take a minute to visit our adoption website? You can read more of our story and see how you could support us in this journey!

We are thankful for you! And thankful our little secret is out! 

   Last night when 20 staff and students packed into our house for a few hours working on back to school stuff, I took a big deep breath. Ok, here we go. I have a love/hate relationship with back to school month. Part of me grieves the slower paced family time we have to give up and the other part of me, a way bigger part of me, gets so excited for the year ahead. Every year we see student after student have changed lives as they encounter Jesus. Every year, our little girls grow up a bit more into precious ladies with big huge personalities. 

Inhale. Exhale. The school year is underway. 

Students at KU start this week so Josh and I will be with the other staff and student leaders on campus meeting students and helping them get connected to Cru. Ru & Bitty love to help out when they can. Later today we are all going to go meet new freshman at a Cru BBQ…..BBCru….see what I did there? 

Ruth starts Pre-K Preschool 3 days a week and dance this year! I can’t explain in adequate words how precious little girls in tutus, staring at huge mirrors, watching their little bodies move to the music are. PRECIOUS times infinity. 

Here is Ru & her friend, Aubriella, before their first dance class last week. 

 Ruth calls this move an asante. I don’t know that that means. She also thinks ‘thank you’ in spanish is gracacitas. So cute.  

Here is our 4 year old on her first day of preschool this year. 

She has gotten so good at writing her name! 

This is when Bitty, who is convinced she is 4 also, found out she wasn’t going to school. Bless her little heart. 

We took a road trip to Manhattan to see friends last week. Vintage donuts was a must-see while we were there. 

Bitty always says, “I crack me up!”

 

   Thanks for stopping in and seeing what life is all about for us lately. I prayed often last year that the Lord would give us a season of joy and we are sure thankful that He has. I know that soon, a new season will come and only He knows what He has for us then, but for now, we’ll take joy! 

 

When I think back to our long winter, I think of a ridiculous night that I decided I couldn’t take the cold/sickness/loss we were walking through one minute longer. So I put on my bikini, because gosh darn-it if I had to disinfect my house one more time, I would just pretend like it was summer. In the middle of my cleaning session, our friend, Brenda, stopped by with some food for our family and caught me red handed right in the smack dab completion of going CRAZY. Ha, she might still think I am a bit nuts : )

Some summers, God leads us across the country and one day He will probably lead us around the world to a Summer Project with college students. This summer, Josh is in training for his new position and God let us stay home. Ahhh. He is refreshing us through and through.

Last week when we saw July 4th was coming, we had feelings of joy mixed with sorrow. July 4th was our baby Macy’s due date. Of course, our baby wouldn’t be coming this July 4th. Instead, he or she is celebrating with Jesus. Some wise people had spoken into our lives and told us that the due date may bring up new and different feelings of grief that we shouldn’t be surprised by. We began praying God would ready us for that day and wanted to celebrate our family in a significant way this year. Ruth and Lydia are just too young to understand what all of this means so, for now, we just shared with them that we were going to have a really special family day on July 4th this year. In future years, we are excited to share with them why it is that the Fieleke’s celebrate like whoa on July 4th: We are celebrating our family God has given us on this side of eternity and the next. We are remembering Macy and celebrating the joy having a baby growing in Mommy’s belly brought all of us. And you better believe we asked Jesus lots of times yesterday to come back and get His people. We love watching for Him in the clouds.

To be quite honest the view of celebrating family yesterday in light of the fact that I will never quit missing that little baby felt a little like climbing a mountain, so I maybe went a little nuts crafting for some therapy. Lets be honest, I went fully nuts for a few days and sewed completely unnecessary but adorable matching outfits for the girls. I love it when Jesus meets me in my crazy.

Complete with a trip to West Bottoms, Happy Gilli’s, Grammy and Grandpa joining in the fun, and illegal sparklers in the backyard, here are our July 4th Family Celebration pictures:

Thanks for stopping by! Hope your family July 4th was sweet and full of celebrating too!

Lately, we have been learning to say, “Thank You” to God for the most unlikely things. Yes, I jumped on the bandwagon a few months ago and read One Thousand Gifts. Yes, it was really good. But to tell you the truth, I just don’t see the world in the same way Ann does. Its like her kid pukes everywhere and she thanks God for the rainbow of colors in the puke (that didn’t really happen…I don’t think…but the lady is gifted in seeing the unseeable). 

The journey to hard thank you’s in my life began the night we rushed to the ER because I was miscarrying. I’m sorry about some of the details but they happened so I will write about it. We knew that it was coming and we were just waiting for the physical side of miscarriage to start. Well, that came at 2 am one night when I woke up to a bloody horror scene. I tried showering to calm myself down but there was a TON of blood loss. The whole ordeal was fuzzy and I was panicked. Josh was asking if we needed to go to the ER and I said, “yes.” He told me to wait in the bathroom and he would go get my Dad who was sleeping downstairs. As he went downstairs, I passed out on our bedroom floor. I woke up to my Dad and Josh carrying me down the stairs to get to the hospital ASAP. I was out of it but I knew I wanted Jesus, so I asked them if they would please pray while they carried me to the car. 

What happened next was so strange – the most peace-delivering words I could have heard came out. My Dad started telling Jesus, “Thank You.” “Thank You.” He repeated it over and over and acknowledged how grateful we were that Jesus was in control. At the time I thought two things at once. The first was, “What the H-E-C-K??? Why are you saying thanks you crazy man?” The second thought was louder still, “Yes. This is exactly what we needed to say, but I would have never formed the words.” I am so grateful. My Dad, who had absolutely no control over the circumstances was calling out to our Heavenly Father who never misses a beat. Sovereign: a person who has supreme power or authority. He wasn’t sending positive anything out to the universe. There is no hope for me in a universe spinning out of control, with mere humans trying to grope for power in some desperate thought. He was telling the Sovereign King of the world thank you for loving us and being in control. “Thank You for being good.” We needed reminded. Jesus used a simple prayer to overwhelm us with truth about who He was and what He was allowing to happen. 

Over the weeks to follow, Josh and I processed together how significant those words were becoming to us. About 3 months later, our staff team had the privilege of having a short meeting with Steve Douglass, the president of Campus Crusade for Christ International, a man who has incredible scope and impact as he leads our entire company, one of the largest mission sending agencies in the world. He was kind and gentle as he spoke with us. He wanted to talk with us about trials and how the Lord uses those in his life. He said something simple yet profound as he shared, “The difficulties haven’t slowed in my life, but my willingness to say ‘Thank You Lord’ in the midst of them has quickened.” As our thank you’s come out more swiftly we open a space that wasn’t there for Jesus to remind us of his presence, sovereign power, and goodness that never leave us. 

I am awestruck at the incredible reality that during the last supper, Jesus took some of the bread and gave thanks to God for it. Then He broke it in pieces and gave it to the disciples saying, “This is my body, which is given for you. Do this to remember me.” (Luke 22:19) He was thanking His Father for all the pain ahead. He was thanking His Daddy that He would be pierced for our rebellion and crushed for our sins. He was thanking God for providing Himself to be beaten so we could be whole  and whipped so we could be healed (Isaiah 53:4-5). Jesus taught us thanks. He taught me that thank you’s can come in the unbearable, unimaginable, and unthinkable moments.

Its funny, though. Or really maybe a little embarrassing, that the things that are the hardest to say thank you for right now are the inconveniences. Like, somehow I am deserving of God offering me a perfect, struggle-free life. I am praying that God would teach my heart quick thank you’s for rough nights with cranky little ones, traffic on the way to appointments, small grocery budgets, and every tiny thing in the middle of long days. But as I fight this fight for a grateful heart, last night I found myself thanking God for a quiet moment to peel potatoes and cook dinner. It was a holy moment. Looking back at it, all I did was make space for Jesus to sweep over me with His goodness. It was a moment that could’t have happened without a ‘Thank you, Jesus’ ushering it in.  

I am just about the messiest person I know, not in the clean sense, but in the my whole life is a big fat mess most of the time. Yet, as a friend reminded me this morning, I do really love to invite Jesus into the mess. And saying ‘thank you’ more often than I have ever tried to say it before, is creating this open door in my life for Jesus to make my mess into sweet moments of thanksgiving. I don’t share this all to boast or to make a pretty moment out of something you might call mundane. I share because it is our messy, mundane, beautiful life, and I like the front door of our life to be open for anyone who might want to come in for a bit. 

Here are some of the things I am thankful for today: My Dad, Josh, and Brock built the girls a swing set over Easter Weekend!

And my precious girls decided to play with makeup the other day without me knowing….I chose thankfulness for their creativity because some days are just crazy makers…

We are creeping up on my ALL TIME FAVORITE holiday. It’s seriously the best day of the year. If you call me, I will probably answer, “He is Risen” with a high pitched giddy voice and wait for you to say, “He is risen indeed!” I realize that most people get this excited at Christmas but I like Spring WAY more than dreary winter. So Easter is my – I’m a crazy nutcase hanging eggs all over my house and singing hymns all the time – Holiday.

This year, I want you to join in the fun! Last year, I planned 12 days of Easter for Ru-girl to help get her excited and wrap her mind around this whole, Jesus died on the cross but now He is RISEN KING, thing. I think I saw the idea somewhere on Pinterest, but because I am a dedicated underachiever, 12 days of Easter became 10 days of Easter, because….well… life happened. 10 days of Easter has a better ring to it anyways, right?

Below is our 10 Days of Easter Activities from last year – feel free to do whatever you want! Ru got super into it and might have some ideas of her own this year. We use the Jesus Storybook Bible at our house by Sally Lloyd-Jones. It is beautiful, I cry at most stories and the pictures are breathtaking. You still have time to order it if you want, just click here. It made lots of our days super special and story time as a family is always special.

*Ideal for kids age 1-3*

Day 1 

– We read Phillipians 2:10-11 from Mommy’s Bible: “That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” We talked about how Jesus is King and what a wonderful, kind, and merciful (I don’t think she gets that word but I use it anyways) King He is. Then I taught her how to spell Jesus, wrote it out on paper in dotted letters for her to trace, and then we decorated it. She was so proud of her picture and super proud she learned to spell His name. Obviously, you can do whatever is age appropriate for your kiddos. 

Day 2 

– We read about Jesus feeding the 5,000. In the Jesus Storybook Bible it is called, Filled full! We counted as high as we could and talked about how 5,000 was a lot more than we could count. We picked a yummy cookie recipe to make together and used our hands to make it. First of all it was yummy, but also it was so sweet! We talked about how it takes us a lot of work to make 20 cookies but Jesus is amazing because He can feed everyone He wanted with just 5 loaves and 2 fish. He can make wonderful things out of no-things. We told Him Thanks.

Day 3 

– This was a fun one! We read The Captain of the Storm in our Jesus Storybook Bible.  We put little plastic easter eggs in a tub of water and splashed with our hands and made lots of waves. We tried to yell at the waves to stop but they didn’t. We tried to make the waves stop with our hands but we couldn’t. Then we talked about how Jesus only had to say a word and the storm stopped. He is so awesome, even the wind and the waves obey Him.

Day 4 

– This year it will be Palm Sunday! On this day last year, Ru brought her palm leaf home from church and we played with it all day! We read the story from Matthew 21 in Mommy’s Bible about when Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey and the people laid down palm branches before him. We taught her what ‘Hosanna’ means. We explained, “Mommy and Daddy tell you we love you and think you are so special” Hosanna is what the people shouted to Jesus to tell him they knew He was a really special King. I know this isn’t the most theologically sound thing I have ever taught but it makes sense to a two year old and I think Jesus is great with that. If you have older kids, I think it would be fun to talk about what we want to tell Jesus we love about Him and pray together.

Day 5

– Daddio told Ruth the story from John 9 about Jesus healing the man who had been blind his whole life. We tied a scarf around Ruth’s eyes and told her that is what it looks like for a blind person. We asked her if she would want to try and walk around. She tried and it was clumsy and precious. We asked if she would rather walk in the dark or the light. Then we got to explain to her that Jesus is the light of the World. He saves us from our darkness.

Day 6

– We read the Treasure Hunt story in our Jesus Storybook Bible. We hid some Jewels from the craft store (you could use beads or coins) in a tub full of black beans and let Ru dig in the beans and find all the treasure. (My super woman sis-in-law came up with that craft). We talked about how we are God’s treasure and Jesus came to find us, even though we had run away from God, and paid the price to win us back! We said over and over again all day, “Who is God’s treasure?” Ru had fun saying all of our names in response.

Day 7

-We read Washed with Tears in the Jesus Storybook Bible. We talked about how the woman gave up her greatest treasure to love Jesus. We told her He is Mommy and Daddy’s greatest treasure and He is worth giving up everything to know Him. Then we let her find a hidden treasure we had hid for her in a laundry basket with lots of tissue paper. Let’s be real, it is so fun giving kiddos surprise presents! She got a Gigi God’s little princess book she had been wanting.

Day 8

– Stinky Feet!! Ru’s all time favorite story was so fun to talk about. We read it in the Jesus Storybook Bible and washed each others feet. I think we even included Baby Bitty in this one : ) We talked about how some Kings are mean and selfish but how Jesus is the best King because he washed us when we couldn’t wash ourselves. He is the servant King. You could also plan time to take communion together as a family and thank God for his sacrifice.

Day 9

– We read The Sun stops Shining in the Jesus Storybook Bible. We made a wooden cross out of popsicle sticks. You could paint it together or color it with markers. We talked about how the nails didn’t hold Jesus on the cross, it was love that kept Him there. This was a special day to talk about the price of our sin, and that it cost Jesus His life to rescue us. We kept telling her that Good News was coming tomorrow and He is alive again!!!

Day 10

EASTER!!! We read God’s Wonderful Surprise in our Storybook Bibles before we did our easter egg hunt. He is Risen!!! He is making everything sad come untrue, He made a way! He even made death come untrue!

This was super fun for us last year. At the end of the 10 days, our whole family was thankful for the time to be intentional about loving Jesus together, knowing Him more, and giving Him our time and our hearts. I am looking forward to 10 days of Easter this year with some of the same activities and some a little different to better fit our family this year since Lydia will totally be able to join in. Whether you end up with 10 Days of Easter or 6 Days of Easter, you are welcome to join in my give-it-your-best-shot club. Its not about the program, its about our hearts and you are invited to join in! Let me know how it goes : )

 

For the many of you who were praying for our sweet Lydia while she was in the hospital last week, THANK YOU. This is shaping out to be a long long winter for our family. December brought loss of our sweet baby, Macy who was growing inside me. Followed by 8 weeks of hard symptoms physically for me throughout January. February almost got past us without hiccup, but then our Itty Bitty got really sick, really fast. We rushed her to Children’s Mercy last Monday night. And after a few hours in the ER, they said she had bacterial pneumonia and needed to be admitted ASAP. Through tears, I asked the doctor if she was going to die. The doctor was so sweet and assured us she was in good hands.

Four LONG nights of watching our baby ache. Listening to her screams and not being able to make it better. She was placed in isolation because she tested positive for RSV so we weren’t allowed to leave the room. I cried through the first two nights watching her little tummy move up and down wondering and worrying at the little miracle that God gave me. Each time a doctor came in, I cried some more. Too much loss for me, too many hard nights for this girl lately.

During the dark nights in the hospital room, I kept thinking back to this summer in Orlando, sitting on the sandy beach with my friend Lindsey. We sat at the waters edge, letting it lap up our feet and wash back down. Now ever since I was little, I remember being fascinated with sand. Its kind of weird how much I love feeling it fall through my open fingers. But that day, I held it and let it run through my fingers and I heard from the Lord. He brought to mind Psalm 139:17-18 “How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!” I shared with Lindsey that the Lord was speaking to me, “He loves my kids more than I do.” It was in seeing those tiny grains and realizing that all of my thoughts about my kids, as vast and constant as they are; they are constrained by time. Given the short time they have lived, I couldn’t have had more than a handful of grains of sand’s worth of thoughts about them. Yet, the Lord in his infinite hugeness, has thoughts about us that outnumber all the grains of sand. To be honest, if I think about it too long, my head starts to hurt. How can He love us so much? Its incomparable to any love on earth. I knew He was speaking to a weak spot in my heart that had been growing for 3 years.

I remember the first week Ruth was home with me praying over her, worrying over everything and thinking I love her more than anything. And the Lord reminded me that He loves her more than I do. That week began a walk of faith for me. God was asking me to believe something I don’t fully understand and I can’t see with my eyes. I don’t understand how anyone on earth could love my kids more than their Daddy and I. Yet, God promises from Genesis to Revelation that we are HIS and that He loves us with a mighty love. A love that sent His own Son to die so that we might not be separated from Him. A love that covers all our shortfalls. A love that holds us and sustains us. The Bible tells me His love is better than life. His love can rescue, redeem, and do the impossible. My love just can’t. Now, that doesn’t mean it isn’t beautiful but, it is limited, and He has been gently reminding me ever since.

Tuesday night, the crap hit the fan. Lydia was screaming in pain. Josh and I were praying, crying, pleading with the Lord for relief for our sweet baby. The darkness was too much. I told Josh, through tears, that I felt like the Lord had abandoned us. Where was this saving Love I so believe in? Josh just held me and we prayed some more. Then finally the doctor came in to try to help. She agreed Lydia sounded worse and needed new chest x-rays. I begged her for a real bed. We had been sleeping in recliners and Lydia is used to a real bed. She wouldn’t touch the hospital crib they gave her with a 10 foot pole. She was uncomfortable in the recliner but wanted to lay with me. There were literally no options. The nurses had turned us down when we asked for a bed because it is hospital policy to not let anyone under 3 have a bed. They said we had no chance at getting one. So I cried to the doctor and asked her to please do something. The doctor looked at me and said, “Getting a bed would take an act of God.” In other words, she meant, its impossible. But in our desperation I looked her in the eyes and said, “He does those. So see what you can do.” No, she assured me, it wouldn’t work but she would talk with the charge nurse about it to appease me. I was sobbing, Lydia was screaming, Josh was praying.

10 minutes later, she came back. “You are getting a bed,” she told us. She had never seen anyone break policy but the charge nurse that night was willing. It felt like God moved heaven and earth to get my sweet baby a bed. His love does the impossible. His love totally trumps hospital policy. He met me in the darkness and showed us a glimmer of light. He was reminding me, He loves us more. And let me tell you what, my baby LOVED that bed. She slept like a rock on it.

Tonight, I held my 3 year old and sang her to sleep because she is now sick as a dog. My husband and I feel like crap too. Yet, in tonight’s darkness, I believe just a little bit more than I did last week that He loves us more than we could love each other. He wants good for us more than we want it for ourselves. He is good.

When my friend, Cathy, speaks to me of the Lord’s goodness and His love, I believe her because she has literally been near death for years, yet she believes. When my friend, Rebecca, reminds me Jesus is worthy and good, I believe her because her family is walking through unspeakable pain and yet she believes. When my other friends talk to me about God’s love for us, I believe them because they just lost babies too. I hate pain. I would like to run from it for a lifetime, but I think I would look back at my life and see foolishness. Pain is part of this life. So, in my pain, I want to cling to God’s love. I have a lot to learn. For tonight, I will rest in God’s love being bigger than mine. And for you, whoever you are, I pray he will give you a bed, or whatever you need to be reminded of His Mighty Love for you and yours.

Look at that sweet girl in her miracle bed 🙂

“For the Lord your God is living among you.
    He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
    With his love, he will calm all your fears.
    He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

Zephaniah 3:17