This week is our son’s six month birthday. I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around all the ways becoming his momma has changed me, but I will try to share a few thoughts this week because, his story is worth sharing.
Waiting to see God’s faithfulness in giving us the baby He made our hearts long for, turned into such a precious season for me. Difficult, absolutely. Yet, sweet. Sweet the way Proverbs 27:7 says, “The full soul loathes a honeycomb; but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.” Learning to love the that season was learning to love the longing in my heart that God had only answered, with a word, “wait.” Ann Voskamp said, “This waiting on God is the very real work of the people of God.”
That’s it; waiting on Him is work. And I don’t even know the half of it. Yes, our wait was fully real but others have waited much longer, harder waits. Yet, in the midst of all of our difficult waiting, I find comfort in calling it what it is – work.
It is work deciding to believe that God is good all the time, despite what our breaking hearts hiss at us in the dark. It is work choosing to lean into His gentle arms when we are mad and hurting because this world is so very broken. It is work to believe truth when lies seem so much more comforting. So here are some glimpses into some of the hardest work of my life so far…
When I opened my new journal on March 3, 2015 and christened the pages, I wanted it to be christened with hope; so I wrote,“Oh Lord, what if this is the journal, the prayers on these crisp pages – what if behind this pen to paper lies the places you will turn my weeping to joy. Your promise to me on December 14 last year was, “Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest. Psalm 126:5-6” My prayer is for your glory to pour in me and through my life and for you to add a baby to our family through adoption. You are able, my King Jesus.”
March 26, 2015, “I was born to sing the glory of your name. It’s the song in my heart for adopting a baby. Oh Lord, please don’t make us wait years more. Would you move mountains? Would you allow a girl to pick us this summer?…Lord, you are good all the time, there is all my hope.”
Then hope began moving fast, like a snowball rolling downhill, picking up speed and momentum. March 31, 2015, “Yesterday was the day we got a call. A birth mom has narrowed her choices down to 2 couples and we are one of them. You knew God, you have always known.”
April 1, “Today we meet a birth mom….”
April 2 , “I love that sweet mama. Please give her and the dad peace and confidence about their decision.”
April 3, “Who will she pick? How do I live fully today, when tomorrow could be the best or worst day in this process? How do I walk like Paul, “I have learned to be content with little or much.”
April 6, “I am so scared to be let down…by you. Why? Why can’t I learn for once and for all that I can count on extravagant grace? You alone know what the grace will be called, I hope it’s a baby boy. But for today, I know I can count on grace.”
April 14, “The Momma and Daddy picked us.”
April 19, “Jesus, you lived in the mess, asking God to take the road of suffering away but willing to walk into it. And so you are teaching me to live in the mess, the wait, in the hard but beautiful possibilities, waiting for baby Micah”
As we waited, we met with Micah’s birth mom & birth dad over meals. Holy moments. We shared tears and laughter. We told stories and we listened to theirs. They are beautiful souls. And while we so admired and loved them, we knew that they were about to make the hardest decision of their lives. We knew that nothing was certain, even when we named the baby growing in her womb. We knew that though, she called me Micah’s mom, her heart was about to shatter in ways she couldn’t yet fathom. We only had hope.
May 4, “Mighty God, meet me here – with your grace and power.” That was the day I saw Micah on his 38 week sono and held his birth mom’s hand as we watched him wiggle and squirm. She and I went to get pedicures and we laughed that maybe it would send her into labor early.
May 5, “Today I only know this “Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never cease! Great is your faithfulness! Your mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, The Lord is my inheritance; therefore I will hope in him. (Lamentations 3:21-24)” That is the day our son was born.
His birth story will be for another post. Who knows when my heart can handle typing those precious details. But for today, I have a word for any of you who are also waiting on God….
You are doing a painful, hard, beautiful work, brothers and sisters. Waiting on God is not for cowards. If you are waiting and you won’t give up, you are brave. I don’t know what the labor of your wait will birth, but this I know:
He is good. He is for you. He will see you through this. He led you here. He cares. He won’t relent. You are in steadfast hands. Jesus loves you. His Word holds precious promises for you about who He is and what He is doing. You will never be ashamed of waiting on Him, hoping in Him, believing without seeing. That is a promise.