It has been a rough week at the Fieleke house. A week ago today we lost a sweet baby. Josh and I were 10 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child. We were thrilled. It had been a rough pregnancy with lots of sickness. At 6 weeks we saw the precious baby’s heartbeat flicker on the sonogram screen. The sonographer guesses that our little one went to be with Jesus around 7 weeks.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed. Psalm 139:13-16
Having a miscarriage is the hardest thing we have ever been through. We had hopes and dreams for this little baby we will never get to know on this side of eternity. We mourn for the life that should have been and the sibling our girls were so excited to love. Our arms feel heavy knowing that we wont get to hold the baby we loved so deeply already.
Then comes this wild hope of ours. We have never been more grateful for Jesus. Our God came down at Christmas to rescue his people. We don’t have to wonder if God is good to us because He showed us His goodness in leaving perfect Heaven and becoming a frail baby Himself so that we could know Him and experience His love. Because we have given Him our lives, our sin doesn’t separate us from Him anymore and we don’t have to be scared that losing this baby is some sort of cosmic punishment. NO! I read 1 John 4:18 and rest in His perfect love that expels all of my fears. Each day since we lost the baby, He has made us certain of His goodness. His body, the church, our friends and family have surrounded us, cared for us and cried with us. And his perfect peace has carried us in our loss.
We would be honored if those of you who pray to Him, would pray for our family in the days ahead. We will bury our tiny baby who we know is not in his or her body but present with Our Wonderful God. Our daughter Ruth is mourning. She called the baby Macy while he or she was growing inside of me. Please pray that she could experience the riches of His peace and love as she processes loss in her own little 3 year old way. Pray for my body to continue healing, I have never known such pain but we are thankful that the worst is over.
I will never be grateful for this loss but I am thankful that it happened during Advent. During Advent we celebrate the most amazing time in human history when God came to us. And because of advent, we are sure that if He came once, He will come back again and take His people to our forever Home. I’m thankful that one day, we will know our sweet Macy because of God’s crazy goodness. He lived the life we couldn’t live and died the death I deserve to die. All of this to give me a life and eternity in Heaven, I could never earn. An eternity that I long for more than ever because in the presence of Jesus, I will hold Macy in my arms.
There is a great article here about families who experience miscarriage that I would encourage anyone to read. We hope you will be gracious with us as we are slow to return calls and emails. We are taking lots of time as a family to rest and be together. Thank you so much for caring for us and praying for us.
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.